Mom Guilt, Shame, and Body Memory: Understanding the Postpartum Shame Response

How the Brain and Body Learn Shame Through Procedural Memory—and How to Heal

Postpartum shame and mom guilt aren’t just thoughts you can “positive mindset” your way out of — they live in the body. Many mothers find themselves snapping, shutting down, or overexplaining without fully knowing why, only to be left drowning in guilt.

In this blog, we’ll explore how procedural learning wires us for automatic shame responses and how these patterns show up in motherhood.

A bit of psychoeducation on how your beautiful brain works, as well as having a space to process and reflect on these experiences, can be a helpful way to normalize your experience and build a resourceful way to manage "mom guilt", burnout, and perfectionism. If you live in Ontario, you can book your free therapy consultation below.

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How procedural learning makes shame automatic

Shame Isn’t Just a Feeling—It’s a Reflex

“I don’t know why I do it. I just, do.” And I need to explain that I’m not (*insert every self-loathing/self-deprecating characteristic*).

because… because….I don’t want to be rejected. We’re human, after all.I can’t make waves—I need to stay safe in this herd of humans. Now that I have a child of my own, that means I have to do EVERYTHING, in my limited power, to make sure they don’t step. on. any. cracks.

Hypervigilance, is the tool. Not sure if it’s paying off, or continuing the perpetual surveillance of their movement in this world.

SHIT. *self-loathes in fancy brain font*

Fast forward to this present moment as I transcribe some handwritten thoughts.

My accumulating curiosity about the mind-body connection turned into a respect for the emotion of shame. It also hones my ability to be understanding of my human experience, and even more so, equips my ability to ~~not give enough fucks~~ to overexplain my being anymore.

PROCEDURAL LEARNING: Movements/responses to stimuli that become automatic, after MANY, many, repititions. It’s just like riding a bike or driving a car. You don’t have to think worth a shit to do either activity.

Amazing, no?

Torturous when it’s a trauma-related shame response.One that is triggered to:

submit
defend
appease
lash out

Due to the experience(s) of:
being told what to do
feeling trapped
disappointing people
the nighttime routine
angry expressions
confrontation
positive compliments
being watched
(the list grows exponentially if you think about other triggers long enough.)

Why your body reacts to shame before your mind catches up

How do you describe the physical sensation of shame? Is it the overbearing feeling of being totally exposed to the world, while your body desperately tries to implode into the darkest corner of existence?

A little extra, no? It’s because it is. It’s EXTRA-ordinary.

Sensorimotor neuroscience tells the tale of a physiological survival response so efficient, its activation will stop a toddler in their tracks from touching a hot stove; a toddler who has no clue about the science behind how a stove works, what fire is, or feels like, or what it means to fuck around and find out (quite yet).

How does this happen?

It’s a mother’s change in energy and tone, alarming that little being’s biology that if it doesn’t stop what it’s doing now; it will cease to exist.

The body comes to a full halt. The little person proceeds to put their head down, hiding in the security of their little hands.

Shame as a learned response from childhood

Procedural learning is reinforced by meaning-making: A child needs to figure out what this unbearable physical feeling means so that they know what to do (or not do) to experience it ever again.

Again, shame has its purpose alongside all of the other emotions that followed us over time. With repair from a secure attachment figure, shame gives us a chance for deeper connection and trust.

Repeteaded shame, without intentional repair of the relationship, leaves a child with no other option but to attempt to regulate and feel safe in the world using self-blame as a protector.

Shame as a learned response from childhood

If we allow ourselves to get curious about it… what if that “I feel like shit” feeling that accompanies the ~mom guilt~ moment had little to do with the parenting move you made, but quite a bit to do with your body anticipating the feelings of yesteryear; telling you that you are CURRENTLY in danger, rather than, having a body-memory of danger????

Hmmm…

It isn’t uncommon for postpartum moms to find themselves in a self-critical mood. Thinking they are missing something and wondering why other moms make it look so easy. The demands of being a fierce protector, task accomplisher, and nurturer are no small feat.

The reality is that this chapter’s common imbalance between the drives to sooth, attain, and protect, leaves postpartum moms around the globe being chewed up and spat out by the postpartum shit show.

Is this realization enough to get you to stop kicking yourself while you’re down, and instead, understand your experience? Our shared experience?

Own your shit. We’re getting curious.

If you’re tired of cycling through mom guilt, shame, and burnout, you don’t have to keep holding it all together alone.

My Postpartum Therapy Intensives are designed to give you focused time and space to understand your rage and shame responses, release old patterns, and reconnect with yourself. You’ll leave with practical tools, emotional relief, and the reminder that you’re not broken — your body has just been doing its best to protect you.

Book your intensive session here